Hey, remember last summer when I was sad about being a millennial? I’m still sad about it, but not for the reasons I had originally implied; my life has significantly improved in the last year.
I left y’all wondering about me in a post-grad rut, and let me tell you, I am no longer in that rut and my job couldn’t be better.
Let me recap: After months of applying to jobs with no response, I finally got an interview with a great company, got hired on as an intern, then got hired on part-time, and am now a full-time employee. Although my current income is like $$ and I thought it would be $$$$$$$, I’m really happy where I’m at. And I’m making a hell of a lot more money than I ever have before. I also get to pet all the dogs that walk through these offices, and let me reiterate HOW MUCH I LOVE DOGS. I’m stoked. I’m never leaving.
My friends were right, I hadn’t found the right job yet. I’ll never tell them this to their face though, so reading this (if anyone even reads this) will suffice.
I’m still trying to figure out how people are funding their adventures around the world, because like I said, a beginning salary is $$ and not $$$$$$$. But I’ve recently looked into several side jobs. I will now proceed to list them out for you below:
For those of you who don’t know, the Seeking Arrangements website helps sugar babies find sugar daddies. You don’t have to necessarily do anything sexual if you don’t want to, some of the guys just want to talk. I figured I could work with the latter, since feigning interest has been one of my greatest talents since day one. I quickly deleted my profile after someone messaged me asking for BDSM. No thx.
Once again, I LOVE DOGS. There’s a website, similar to a lot of babysitting websites, that allow you to make a profile for people to contact you about watching their dogs. I’m about this life. I love all dogs, big or small, ugly or cute, chunky or slim, puppies or 100 dog-years-old. I don’t care. I love them all. A lot of the time, more than I love my dogs at home. I’m still waiting to find out whether I have been approved. Praying to any deities that I do get approved BECAUSE NO ONE LOVES DOGS MORE THAN ME.
(Editor’s Note: I got approved. It’s lit.)
- Freelance work on Craigslist
They’re mostly garbage. I refuse to believe I can make $845 a week by taking surveys on my couch. If this were the case, I’d be a billionaire and I wouldn’t be complaining about my life and other topics of interest in my free time. I’d be rubbing elbows with Elon Musk, Chrissy Teigen, and Michelle Obama instead.
Bruh. I don’t care what kind of a rap girls in “scantily clad” bikinis serving coffee get. Their service is amazing, their drinks are a great size and fairly priced, and they’re not overbearing when you’re waiting for your order (Looking at u, @DutchBros, but I still fux with your Kicker). Honestly, why wouldn’t you want to get your coffee prepared and served by someone in a bikini? Their tip jar was poppin’, and while my bod isn’t as hot as I’d like it to be, let me tell u about my boobs and high waisted bikini bottoms. I’d have $$$$$$$ in no time.
This last year has also been a year of successes and failures. Mostly failures, but they were out of my comfort zone, so that’s gotta count for something.
I started working out regularly and eating healthy. This was all quickly capsized by a bacon cheeseburger and the fact that I’m 1,000% the laziest person on the face of the earth. I’m back at square one but I still think I’m cute AF, so am I really losing? #ChunkyYetFunky I’ll get that bikini bod someday, but for now I’m trying to figure out how to also fund liposuction so I don’t have to work out ever again. This is a rough life.
I also made an online dating profile on Bumble after swearing that I would never try online dating. This app was chosen carefully because Bumble lets the lady take the lead on whether they want to message someone first or not. As a Capricorn, I love to have control so this was perfect. I mostly browsed the eligible bachelors of my hometown, but it was nice to match with people. I told myself I wasn’t going to message people and then someone extended their allotted 1-day-message timeframe with me. This guy apparently really wanted to talk to me.
This is when my Mexican guilt set in. If you’re Hispanic, you know this guilt is a real thing so I’m not gonna explain myself. I caved and messaged him. He was really nice, but after three days I realized online dating is not for me, so I deleted my profile and the app without saying goodbye. My Mexican guilt has now turned into what keeps me up at night, because if y’all know Hispanics, you know you get in trouble by your mom for not saying hi or bye to anyone you come in contact with. Jeff*, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. And also bye.
I’ve also learned how to fill in my eyebrows and forced my roommates to watch The Bachelorette (We’re invested in the series/spin-offs and we’re also #TeamChad) and figured out how to get them to leave me alone by watching Penny Dreadful in the common area. So that was cool.
I lied, I guess I’m not sad about being a millennial anymore, I’m actually loving life right now (I’m sure this will change soon. I’m always bitter about something), but I do wish I had more money. This will come with time, I suppose.
I’m still looking for a sugar daddy or just someone to hook me up with Ryan Gosling, Chris Evans, Zach Efron, or Dwyane “The Rock” Johnson. If you know someone who knows these men (OR LITERALLY ANYONE WHO KNOWS SINGLE CELEBRITY LOOKING FOR LOVE. OF ANY GENDER, I DON’T CARE THAT I’M STRAIGHT ANYMORE, I’M DESPERATE), tell them to hmu. I’m looking to marry them.
*This guy’s name has been changed in case anyone knows him, because I’d probably never apologize in person without throwing up or something.