I’ve always liked Valentine’s Day even though I’ve never really had anyone to share a romantic day with, unless snuggling with my dogs counts. I don’t really mind, but after years of spending Valentine’s Day as a single woman, I’ve developed a list of all the things I would want on this special day. I deserve them. And I’m not talking chocolate covered strawberries (although if you were thinking strawberries, I’d accept them with no qualms), but things on the more practical side.
- A Golden Retriever Puppy
Since this wish hasn’t come true for 19 years, despite wishing for it on every major U.S. holiday, I thought v-day might be a good time to try again. I’ve wanted a golden retriever since Air Bud premiered in 1997. I don’t want it for animal companionship- I have four dogs and a sugar glider- I want it so it can do my laundry and win a basketball championship just like the Air Bud. So if you’re gonna give me a golden retriever puppy, it might be keen of you to also train it to separate my whites, darks, colors, and delicates before handing it off.
- A Tesla
There’s nothing wrong with my current car, I just want a Tesla.
- A Range Rover
For days when I don’t want to drive the Tesla.
- Framed pictures of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Both of the girls I share an office with have pictures of their significant others covering their desks. I feel left out. My desk needs some pizzaz too. Framed pictures of my future husband would help me get through the day and probably motivate me to find a boyfriend, like my mom has been asking me to do for the last four years. Framed photos of Ryan Gosling, Anderson Cooper, Ludacris, and Khloe Kardashian will also be accepted.
- A surprise box of pizza (or a regular/expected one, whatever is cool)
I love pizza. Meat lovers with olives and jalapenos. Please note it’s probably better if you warn me that there’s a pizza on the way or else my mom’s voice will pop into my head and my instincts won’t let me eat the pizza if I don’t know where it came from. Bonus points if you also get me wings.
Because working out and eating healthy is hard and I want a Nicole Richie (circa 2006) body NOW.
- Someone to sing me acoustic songs whenever I want
My friend surprised one of my other friends in college by sitting shirtless on her bed and singing Lana Del Rey songs to her while playing the guitar. I’ve always been insanely jealous of this, mostly because I’m obsessed with the guy that did it. I’d like someone with a beautiful and creamy voice to sing me an acoustic song whenever I please.
- Whitney Houston’s singing voice
If you or anyone you know is a sea witch who has the power to harvest the voice of innocent individuals with amazing voices and give them to someone else at a small price, hmu. I’d love to have Whitney Houston’s voice, but I would consider this more of an organ donation. Too soon? (I’ll also take Norah Jones’ voice or Adele’s or John Legend)
- A drag queen makeover
There’s nothing I want more in life than to be a drag queen. If I can’t be one in this lifetime, I’d like to at least test the waters before I become one in my next. I want the works: hard contouring, padded hips, cinched waists, lace front wigs, outlandish eyelashes, I want to lip sync for my life, I wanna wear a sequined dress for no reason, I want to death drop without snapping my neck, etc. And then if this doesn’t work out, I’ll just go with my backup persona for the next lifetime: a dog.
- Someone who won’t grumble when I ask them to play with my hair
I can’t keep doing this myself. It doesn’t feel the same.